One of the biggest goals we have as parents is to raise our children to be successful, responsible adults. But let’s be honest—this doesn’t happen overnight. It requires us to gradually give up some control, allowing our children to gain more freedom and responsibility. Easier said than done, right? Thankfully, Timothy Smith created a Countdown to Independence Chart that can help guide us on this journey.

Promoting Responsibility and Encouraging Self-Help

The Countdown to Independence for Kids chart is a visual representation of how parental control decreases while a child’s independence increases over the course of 18 years. It’s a helpful tool for understanding how we, as parents, can shift our roles to foster responsibility in our kids. I had this chart secretly posted in my office cabinet along with the Consequence Planner to help guide me as I made parenting decisions.  You can print this chart out for free, find the link at the bottom of this post.

A mother and father guiding their young child as they take steps on their own, symbolizing the gradual shift from parental control to child independence.

From The Danger of Raising Nice Kids by Timothy Smith (IVP, (c) Timothy Smith 2006) Used with permission.

Here’s how to read the chart:

  • Percentage of control: Across the top, you’ll see percentages, showing how much control you have over your child’s decisions.
  • Ages: At the bottom, the ages from birth to 18 years.
  • The line in the middle: This line shows the gradual shift from total control at birth to 0% control by age 18.

Change in Parental Responsibility

As our kids grow, our role as parents evolves from Control to Coach to Consultant over the span of 18 years.

  • Parents’ Domain: Our job is to protect, prepare, and control when they are young. As they grow, we influence rather than control. This makes a lot of sense because we are also responsible for keeping them alive when they are little. We control what they’ll eat to what they’ll wear.  It’s a huge responsibility.
  • Child’s Domain: With age, kids gain more freedom and responsibility. You can see on the chart that kids need to step up as we step back.  Responsibility examples: completing your homework and turning it in, preparing for a driving test, or packing your bag for a trip.  Look at these as opportunities to back off and help them take on more responsibility.

The Coaching Years of Parenting

The elementary school years are often considered the “sweet spot” of parenting. You’ve moved beyond the preschool years, where you had semi-control, and now you’re in the coaching phase. If you have a 9-year-old, you’re right in the middle of this chart. At this stage, you’re not just making decisions for your child—you’re coaching them, guiding them to make their own choices, sometimes even without your input.

In Timothy Smith’s book, he emphasizes the importance of teaching kids life skills during these years. The goal is simple: kids do more, so we do less. You can print this chart out for free, find the link at the bottom of this post.

Here are a few Life Skill milestones to consider as you discover how to raise responsible kConsequence Planner the Danger of raising nice kids PDFids:

  • 5 years old: Learn to dress themselves. We love to use this method to encourage choice and independence.
  • 8 years old: Make their own lunch for school.
  • 10 years old: Go to summer camp independently (Check out our packing list here).
  • 12 years old: Choose their own back-to-school clothes. (Check out these Hygiene Helpers)
  • 14 years old: Make dinner for the family once a week and stay up later on weekends.

Download a complete list of Life Skills for children, click here.

Using the Countdown to Independence Chart

I began using this chart when my eldest was five years old, I can clearly see how my control has lessened over time. While I still feel like a coach, my kids might have a different perspective! Instead of mourning the loss of control, I choose to celebrate their growing independence and the new skills they’re mastering.

Sure, it’s hard to have less influence over their lives, but I’ve learned to adjust. I seek out other mentors and adults who can offer guidance because sometimes, what they hear from someone else holds more weight than what I say.

Conclusion: Embrace the Journey in Raising Responsible Kids

Raising responsible kids isn’t about holding on tight; it’s about gradually letting go. By understanding the shift from control to coaching to consulting, we can better prepare our kids for the real world. Let’s embrace the messiness of independence and celebrate the incredible adults our children are becoming.

Ready to start your own Countdown to Independence? Download the FREE chart and start planning today! And don’t forget to check out these helpful resources:

Click here for more helpful parenting resources…

Hope this supports you  on this journey to raising responsible, independent kids.

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